traveler

i feel like a traveler, even though i've lived in the same city for
twelve years, and in the city before this one for twenty five. even
though i return to the same house almost every night, i still feel
like i'm constantly on the move. it's an emotional movement, not
necessarily a physical one. i go from destination to destination, and
i remember my days when i was not like i am now, back when my head was
far, far away from here. life is not all a journey, you know, not like
some would have you believe. there do exist way points along the way
where we meet with strangers, each on their own road. places where we
roast meat over the fire and talk about where we have been. places
where we connect. in these places, some stop and travel no more. in
some of these places, people find a home.

it's been so very long since i've felt settled in my head.

what do i carry with me as i go? there's much more that i carry within
myself than the material things i've accumulated. i routinely shed
material things. the truly substantial things, the things that matter
most to me, are paradoxically the things we can't touch. the essences,
the memories, of friends, the flavor of love, the triumphs, the
shames, the regrets. things like that are what matter most. these are
the elements of home, a home i haven't finished building.

and i begin to wonder along this line of thought, and i wonder if
maybe there's no real home for a mind, a soul like mine. perhaps there
are only camps along the way where i set up my tee pee to weather this
storm or that, places where my mind rests for a spell. we make new
friends, new ideas, new hopes. some stick. some don't. old friends
fade away. others resurface and we pick up right where we left off.
and i'll call some of the places i rest home for a little while. but
it's not. i have written before that i have wandered so far, that
every place i go now is home. it means i've forgotten what the word
means. my mind may never rest, and sometimes i think i'll prefer it
that way.

and when i'm gone, i only hope someone sees the footprints i have
left, think of me, and smile.

ghost