letting go

i am learning to let things go.

i know you might be thinking, it's about time, that it's a skill you
learned as a pre puber, and i admit, it's something i should have
picked up long ago. but i didn't. maybe i'm justifying it, but i think
it's a facet of the epic stubbornness i'm famous for. my brother has
always contended that i'm like a pitbull when i get something in my
teeth.

i've always been unable to let things go. i'm talking inconsequential
in the grand scheme of things things. i can't say why any one thing
grabs my attention where i look at a hundred other aspects, absorb
them, and move on. and if i can't let these little things go, can't
let these nagging questions just drift away unanswered, how can i
expect let go of bigger things? i think sometimes, if i have any
obsessive compulsive tendencies at all, and i assure you, even this is
a stretch, not being able to let go of these small things is the only
evidence.

but, i'm learning.

since amy bailed there have been any number of questions i've felt i
NEEDED answered. i've asked a few of them, but as is her way, she
avoided answering them or gave me some answers she thought would ease
my pain, though i knew were not the truth. my life, and the schedule
of events the kids are involved with, see to it that she and i see
each other multiple times a week. we often eat dinner with the kids
and while i don't know that we are friends, we make it as comfortable
an experience as we can for the kids and ourselves. last night, after
Tiny Tank's soccer practice, we took them to ihop for breakfast for
dinner adventure, and i noticed those questions that i've considered
so important all this time were no longer yearning to leap off my
tongue. that's not to say i don't still wonder why. i do. it's just
that the answer doesn't interest me like it used to.

ghost