purgatory

last night i did something i have not done in in a very long time. no,
i'm not talking about sex, though i suppose with that opening sentence
i very well could be. no. last night, i sat down and began working on
a project. and i literally lost myself in the work. i spent about five
hours working, not thinking about anything other than the work.
usually monday and tuesday nights are my own little purgatory as i
wait for wednesdays and the chance to spend some time with my little
ones again. when i came out of my creative haze and realized so much
time had passed, i kinda smiled. i can't remember the last time i was
able to escape my own head for a while.

i suppose "not thinking about anything other than the work" is a bit
of a lie. i'm sure i was thinking. the mind never truly shuts down,
you are never truly just reacting by instinct except when you're
fighting for your life. but, i couldn't tell you what i was thinking
of or just where my mind was wandering. i do remember vaguely
considering the words, "let go." at least that's what i was
considering when i stopped working.

let go, and what's left?

if everything is left, that's heaven.
if something is left, that's purgatory.
if nothing is left, that is hell.

sometimes i dream of these places. sometimes they are technicolor
cartoon dreams. "let go," makes me think of meister eckart from the
movie, jacob's ladder. interesting movie, in that he was in purgatory
the whole time. i've felt like that this world is actually my
purgatory from time to time. i cannot remember when i might have died
though. i mean, sure, there have been plenty of close calls, but,
"they've come to snuff the rooster, but he ain't gonna die."

grin.

ghost