new

the new year starts. let me mark it along the lines of the special
kind of hope it invokes. what i write today is to bring a sort of
light to those who have been particularly beaten down this last year.
we look forward. we look back. happy new year.

i think perhaps i was as close to beaten this last year as i ever have
been, and yes, that comparison includes 2009 which i rank among the
worst years of my life. at times i have been incredibly lonely, more
lonely than i thought possible to endure. but i have endured and that
loneliness is farther between episodes. and i am, in spirit anyway,
unbroken.

and i see now that i still had stuff even when i felt there was
nothing left. i've still got my pride. i've still got myself. i still
have my life, and i still have my love. i have another day. i don't
know that i'm stronger, but i feel a sense of wisdom now that i did
not have before.

here's the thing, i think. besides the end of the world, nothing is
the end of the world. sometimes getting knocked around a bit is the
only way to keep us grounded. even if you give up or quit on life,
life goes on. even after complete failure, you still have another day
to wake up to. it may take a little doing, but guess what, you can try
again. or try something different. you're not dead, though you might
feel like it. you might even wish you were.

what's that famous saying? "where there's life, there's hope." i don't
envy those who go through life never knowing defeat, never fighting as
hard as they can possibly fight and yet still lose. i have. i've
fought tooth and nail and still lost big.

but...

i think it's changed me from what i was. now i enjoy the small
moments, the every day moments, more than anything. even average air
is like that of mountain peaks to those who have come from the pit.

ghost