of losing the battle

i am losing.

i am still fighting, still holding the line, but it feels, especially
lately, that i am slowly being pushed back. i don't give anything, but
an inch is taken here, a couple more there. the latest battle is being
waged on the financial front, and i am losing inch by inch, day by
day. my spartan existence is forced to even further barrenness, to the
point my life now reflects the vast emptiness of the west texas spaces
i grew up in.

sometimes i have good days. others, the weight is almost too much. i
imagine that no matter how well i do with my life, i am being built up
only to be torn down again. i recently told a beautiful young woman
that i could not be the "he" she is looking for. time, money, and
geography played the part of spoilers here, though in their defense,
they never lie. the entire episode made me consider the state of
things, the state of me. and it occurred to me that i really don't
have anything to offer a woman. sure, i am a true friend, a stalwart
protector, a loyal man full of love and desire, but i seem to belong
to the minority of those who work in fields they love despite the pay.
oh, i know there are those "out there" who live like i do, working
jobs, not because of money, but because of a deeper spiritual reward.
i know there are those who care as little for the ideas of 401ks and
403bs and retirement plans as i do, who believe that love and laughter
is all you really need. i hold nothing against those who believe
otherwise, who work strictly for the money. in fact, i admire them.
it would be so much easier to consider leaving this place, this job i
love so much if i thought that way.

sometimes i feel as if i am wasting my life when it comes right down
to the nails of it. but what else is there but to keep on? everyday i
try to start fresh and do my best to do what i am able, and to do what
is right. i will not let my enemy win. i will survive the
circumstances i have been given. i do not imagine others have an
easier time than i do. that is a fallacy of only being able to see
things through my own eyes. i keep on because i can do nothing else.
nothing else but see each day through.

i do not know what the future holds, but i can hope. that will hold me
for today, and that is all i need of it. tomorrow i will think of
tomorrow. and if it shall be that i am alone on tomorrow's road too,
so be it.

ghost