so there was an incident at wal-mart yesterday afternoon, that
stretched into the evening. what should have been a simple trip to get
groceries ended up being a few heartbeats of violence followed by a
great number of moments strung together speaking to police officers.
cleared of any wrong doing, i left, and spent the rest of the evening
reliving and considering the altercation. and i started thinking that when i was younger i craved these sort of
deviations from the norm. i didn't necessarily want a fist fight, mind
you, but i wanted something to break up what i felt was an endless
monotony of passing days. after all, who wants to live an ordinary
life? who doesn't want the unusual? i imagined adulthood would prove
more eventful than my youth. somehow, i imagined the future a bright
place, like supernaturally bright. i don't know why, i had a good
childhood, but in my head, its swathed in dark colors, like blues and
greys and greens. i've grown accustomed to the dark colors. they are cool and
comforting, mostly. i still want to be extraordinary, but in a normal
way. i want to achieve something. i've always felt i was meant for
something, though i have no idea what. i do feel like i'm getting a
late start on whatever it is i'm supposed to do/be though, being in my
mid thirties. i wonder sometimes if i have misspent my life so far. i look at my
kids and i don't believe that. i look at my bank account, though, and
sometimes it's hard not to. anyway, the sun is out and it's a perfect day. i'm not going to think
about this anymore. i'm just going to breathe and live the day.
ghost
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