aftermath

given a little time to consider the storm that blew through me last
night, i started thinking about something my old man taught me when i
was young and repeated often through all the years from then til now.
God, i think, only let's us in on things when we are ready for them.
He never gives us anything we can't handle. call it preparation, or
liken it to off season training. it is preparing us for the big game.
my question is, if He is preparing me, toughening me up for whatever
is next, just what is it He has in mind? because sometimes now i feel
like i'm going to break, and i wonder just how much more i am capable
of enduring. everyone has their breaking point, right?

phil plasma made the comment on last post that perhaps i am not
patient enough. perhaps if i just wait, if i hold out, hold on, endure
a little longer, it will be revealed to me, this whatever it is that
comes next. perhaps then i can look at all of this and find some peace
in the idea that i've gained some wisdom.

it is strange to me that something that has been so dibilitating can
lead to so much wisdom later. i'm ready to be wise. i'm ready to not
be in pain. i want to be a good father, desperately, more than
anything else. it is my prayer that despite everything else, let me
not lose sight of that.

i shall try not to jump to conclusions, as i have done many many many
times in my life, borrowing trouble where there is none. i will
prepare against the day of battle, but not go seeking war.

Lord, give me strength that i might endure, and forgive me if i seem
ungrateful for this life at times.

if i am lucky, i might find that Love conquers all is a truth, and not some poet's dream.

omnia vincit Amor

ghost