perhaps...

i think i have always attributed all too human characteristics to my
God. perhaps that's why i judge myself so harshly. i demand a lot from
people. i guess i've always thought God must also, and i am all too
painfully aware of my short comings as a human being.

this weekend, i had a lot of fun with my kids, and there were several
times where i just caught myself looking at them, watching whatever it
was they were doing. Tank's reaction when he catches me staring is a
shrug and "what?" Pixie always gives me the biggest sweetest smile.
Dimples gives me an exaggerated wink. she is going to be a little
heart breaker. it is in these moments i wish i could impress on them
just how much i love them, so that they could carry that assurance
with them like a shield into everything they will experience in their
lives.

but i cannot.

they have no concept of infinity. their small beautiful minds are
incapable of comprehending what love is like on that scale. instead, i
tell them repeatedly, probably to the point of annoyance.

"do you know i love you?" i say.

"yes, daddy. i didn't forget." they'll answer.

or

"yes, you told us already."

and i smile and they go on about their little business. and i watch
them play and learn and grow.

and yesterday i thought, maybe, perhaps, just possibly, God loves us,
loves me, the same way. sure, my kids can push my buttons, and yes, i
see in them some characteristics and personality traits developing
that i don't particularly care for, but i love them so d*mn much it's
hard to breathe sometimes when they're not with me. i know that is
part of them growing and learning and living. i know i did not always
behave the way my father would have wished. and i begin to wonder if
this big infinite God i've always imagined, always feared, feels the
same way about me. i wonder if despite my tendency to push God's
buttons, if he looks at me from time to time while i'm playing,
growing, learning, and smiles the way i do when i look at my kids.

dealing with infinity, i can't comprehend His love, His wisdom. all i
can do is trust it, and that's called faith, ladies and gents. i have
been trying to forgive myself, hoping that He could forgive me. i
wonder if all my worry has been futile. i know i cannot understand
God's love or his plans for me.

but i'd like just once to catch him staring at me and smiling.

ghost