when i was a kid i was the loner.
not much has changed. i've had many people tell me they were drawn to me because of that loner persona, that the mystery of me was something they just had to solve. let me just say, it's not at all the romantic character people seem drawn to. it's lonely. it's hard.
i'm ok being alone, though.
until the storms of my life roll in anyway. then, i'm in turmoil, not because of the storm itself, but because there's no one to reign me in, no one to check my reactions with, no one to curb my impulses to strike back. there's no one to tell me i'm doing the right thing, or that i'm messing it all up. no one to call me on my stubborness, to tell me i'm being unreasonable. i've got my brother and father of course, but they have their own lives and different perspectives on mine so something gets lost in translation.
there's no one in my life to encourage me. there's no one i can look at and get a nod of affirmation. those of you with a partner, don't take that for granted, because that's invaluable.
i am often stubborn, and quick to assume someone is trying to screw me over, or take something from me. i'd like to say i'm better than that, that i can rise above it, but the truth is, i don't trust many people anymore. i don't trust my own instincts sometimes. it's hard to show someone my belly when all i expect is to get kicked again.
what i'm trying to say is, i have come to realize i am still a loner, and i'm ok alone. but i was a better man with a woman backing me.
ghost
1 comment: