mildly mannering

yes, that love thy neighbor thing has been on my to-do list, but
everything has just been so crazy. you know?

i am maybe too aware of the tiniest little things i say and do. i keep
my mouth shut instead of saying something out of petty annoyance, or
selfish spite. i am too aware of the things i do even when i am
completely alone.

i do not trust my own motivations. i do not always immediately
understand my initial feelings. so i say nothing, lest i cause
unwarranted damage.

this, of course, is only with people i care about. with strangers and
enemies i take more of a shoot first, ask questions later approach.

while i like to consider this self restraint a courtesy to my loved
ones, it has more than often been an invitation for some of those
loved ones to take advantage of me. and i'm the fool because i let
them. by not trusting my initial instincts, feelings, insight, i have
allowed them to take advantage of me. no one to blame but myself.

being me, i have always judged myself much more harshly than i do
others and probably much more than they do me. i beat myself up over
the smallest things. i always have. i am not the tallest, most fit
guy. my attitude toward certain things can be classified as strictly
negative. i am not the best housekeeper by far. i kill myself over
these sort of things. i have been invalidated by certain people and
abandoned for these sort of things.

it is a secret fear of mine, that i will be judged by my God for these
sort of things when this life is all over. i really hope i'm wrong. i
hope that when i'm judged, He takes into account instead every scrap
of paper i picked up and tossed in the garbage, the quarters i gave my
kids to give to the homeless and those fake santas that hang around
outside walmart during the holidays ringing those forsaken bells. i
hope He thinks of the tiny little things i did when i didn't think of
myself first. i hope i have those credits in the bank balance of my
soul.

come to think of it, i'd like to judge myself by those standards. i'd
like someone to judge me by those standards.

i imagine a lot of people would say, "but those are nothing."

my answer would be, "but those are everything."

ghost