recovery?

i think a danger of spending a lot of time alone is when i am around
people it's a real effort to have a conversation. lately, be it a date
or hanging out with the boys on a sunday night playing cards, it
mostly feels like i'm grasping at straws to find something, anything,
which will push the conversation forward.

i was trying to explain this to The Golden Boy the other day. i have
stopped "dating," if that's what you wanna call it. i haven't been
enjoying myself. it seems like work i don't particularly enjoy.
perhaps i just havent found the woman who gets my motor going, the one
who fires my blood. i haven't found the person who excites my mind.
maybe i'm broken and that kind of zing is all behind me now. i don't
know. i do know that most of the time i'm around others, i'm forcing
myself to speak.

it's like i've become too comfortable with silence. i mean, sure, the
kids are always around, but i keep most of my thoughts to myself,
because really, they aren't conversationalists just yet and the ideas
i have, they won't understand. is it possible to have become so used
to talking to little pictures in my head or thinking at people in my
mind, that when i'm around real people, i forget how to voice those
thoughts?

sigh.

ghost