hypocrite

so the other day i was coaching Pixie's team of small girls, passing
on some of my accumulated soccer knowledge. Tank, meanwhile, was
exploring the surrounding woodlands as little boys are wont to do.
during his adventure he happened upon a discarded pen that was still
very much alive. my son shares my love of pens so he was excited by
the possibilities it represented. after practice was over, i walked
one little girl over to where her father was coaching another team and
made sure he knew she was there. safety first and all that.

Tank was telling me all about this pen he had found for the entire
length of the walk. i told him to rest at the benches while i
delivered the little girl so that it would only be i who interrupted
the practice. when i returned, he was drawing on the bench.

"see, daddy?" he said. "it's still alive and kicking."
"i do see, but we can't be drawing on public property, sugar man," i
replied immediately feeling the hypocrisy of what i was saying.

i gave him a short speech about how drawing on public property was
vandalism and how that was wrong, all the while cringing because i
have been known to enhance public spaces in my time here on earth, and
even though i have stopped tagging buildings and asphalt with spray
paint and have gone a little more legit, the old inclinations are
still in me struggling to get out. there was no heart in what i was
saying, and i stopped trying to make my point far before i would have
had i agreed with what i was saying.

for the record, i do believe that vandalism is wrong. i don't agree
that all graffiti is vandalism. one part of me is all about the law
and order. another part of me wants to paint the world. i struggle
against this dichotomy all the time. sometimes law and order wins the
day. other times my guerrilla tendencies have their way.

when we say we will die for our children, often we're not just talking
about a physical death. sometimes it's sacrificing our dreams,
desires, and who we are for their benefit.

ghost