i've noticed

i might be ruined where relationships are concerned.

in the time since amy left me, there have been a few false starts,
beginnings with possibility, but they always seem to wither and fade.
and, to use a cliche break up line, i'm beginning to see it's me, not
them. for a long time, i was still in love with who i thought amy was.
with the eventual realization that our life together had been a lie,
there came a great anger that burned me for a while longer. i've found
some measure of peace with all of that, though i can still sense
evidence that i am not yet healed.

quite simply, i'm concerned i'll try and fail. again. and really, i
can't afford that. not from an emotional or financial stand point.
i've also noticed a desire not to have anyone around for long periods
of time. maybe i've grown too accustomed to my solitude. i don't like
being around people for long. i feel myself start itching for them to
leave, or looking for any reason to take off. perhaps it's just that i
spend all of my free time with my kids, and am unwilling to give up
any time with them. perhaps i use that as an excuse instead of
admitting my fear. you can't grow a relationship without devoting time
to it, and i seem unwilling to do that anymore. i'd be willing to
wager no one worked as hard in a relationship as i did, to make it all
work, to keep things running smoothly. that evidence i mentioned
earlier shows up when i'm considering wading off into another
relationship. i'm just not ready to risk it, to put it all on the
line, to put in that kinda work.

it seems i'm no longer a man of thunder, throwing lightning to the
ground. today i am content to be a man of rain, caught up in the
downpour of my days.

ghost