i want to be. i want to live. thinking back, i realize that might not
have always been the case. there have been times i wanted out. i have
wanted an escape from pain a time or ten in my life. i have felt far
too heavy hearted for my legs to hold me up. i wanted to sink into the
woodwork, wanted to just lose definition and become nothing more than
a stain on the sidewalk. of course, i've also wanted to fly. there has been that dichotomy in
me, the desire to sink down and rise up at the same time. i remember
thinking i could do anything and yet, accomplishing nothing. it is an
almost overwhelming frustration. all that seems to be gone for the
time being, though. i want to be here, where i am, doing what i do. the three laws of dynamics are, you can't win, you can't break even,
and you can't get out of the game. sounds like those would apply to
life as well. whatever happens, entropy and chaos will increase. but
then there's this little miracle we call life, and at least there, on
a local level, is a decrease in entropy, and and an increase of order.
in the big picture, i don't think i can break even. chaos increases in
the world at large, but in pockets, like my life, i think i can do
better than break even. i win, i think, just in being, just in sitting
here breathing. and maybe that's a glimpse of the bigger picture. that's how i feel today. i win. despite "their" best efforts. one day
i will die, but not today, i think. today, i win. and being a thorn in
someone's side is really all the motivation i need.
ghost
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