i won't apologize for the riot in my eyes

i feel.

i sense things. i usually know when the tide of something has turned,
when the wind of a thing has shifted without any visual, physical,
spiritual evidence of it having revealed itself. it's not always the
case. i have been blindsided from time to time.

things, occurrences, words, ideas, touch me in ways it doesn't touch
others. i don't consider myself special or unique. i think this depth
of feeling is true of almost all of the truly creative types in the
world. this is what gives us the ability to draw on emotion and
passion and pain to create, be it art or music or whatever. i think
this is what allows people like me to have such a good repoire with
our students, some of which every other teacher has given up on. i
think this is a source of my legendary stubborness. you can't convince
me of something i'm not feeling no matter the validity of your logic.
i am not easily led.

of course, it's also a curse. i have developed a thick skin where
most people are concerned. face it, i'm a high school teacher. you
have to have your armor on every day or you won't last a six weeks
with these kids. but people i love can hurt me with ease, and hurt me
in a way i will never forget. there's no defense for it. i don't know
how to shield myself from those i love. i am, to them, the proverbial
open book. and feelings are fallible. i might not always see it for
what it really is. it's a feeling, and there's no right or wrong as
far as those are concerned.

for so long, i have felt the need to justify my feelings. i've had to
explain why i feel a certain way, why i believe and behave a certain
way, only to have someone tell me i'm wrong and then try to convince
me to feel something different.

and i'm tired of it. i'm not apologizing anymore. i'm not cooperating
or compromising. this is how i feel. i'm f*cking angry, and i
guarantee you i'm not giving up another inch. it's my line in the
sand. keep trying to cross it, try to move it to suit your desires,
and i will f*ck up your world.

i am looking for something with whom i don't have to explain or
apologize for my feelings.

ghost