i'm broken

i don't know when a woman is flirting with me anymore.

i think it's a confidence issue. logically, i know i'm a smart, capable, compassionate, and caring man, but in my heart of hearts, i believe if two women have thrown me away like garbage, then perhaps there is something wrong with me, something undesirable. besides my choice of women.

i'm balding. which is fine with me. hair takes time i don't care to give it any way. i'm not the hard body soccer player i used to be either. pushing carts up sam's hill for seven years saw to that. also, my affair with dr. pepper might have something to do with it. that was a tough one to call off, but i did about a year ago. as a friend described me not so long ago, "you're like a small gorilla."

last night, i took my three wee ones to olive garden because that's what they all wanted, and when i'm able to get all three to agree on something, i don't question, i just do it. our server's name was Gaby and she was cute. toward the end of the meal we were having a really good conversation and she started asking about the kids, which inevitably leads to their moms. i explained with some reluctance and she didn't seem to mind that i had three children from two different women. in fact, she still seemed genuinely interested. that was refreshing. too often i've seen the light of interest in someone's eyes go out immediately once they realize i've been divorced not once, but twice. it's like i can read their minds. twice? there must be something wrong with him.

the sad thing is, during our conversation, all i could think was 'is this genuine interest, or is she just a nice person angling for a tip?'

because i couldn't imagine what she could see in me.

most of the time, I feel like such a broken boy.

ghost