i used to love the holidays. they used to be filled with a sense of
wonder and freedom and hope. there was always hope. in recent years,
though, i have found myself floating down into melancholy. that sense
of wonder and freedom are gone now. mostly, all the holidays bring me
are pain as i continue to struggle. hope is a myth. despite all the illness and physical pain of recent weeks, though,
drops of gold, those last rays of an all too short fall barge past the
cold wind, no excuses, and gently caress the edges of my mouth into a
smile. they remind me of my favorite days. blue skies and sunshiny
cold. today reminds me of better times. almost nine years to the day i
leaped into a crazy beautiful life, a life ultimately cut short in
tragic fashion. how time flies. i can't quite comprehend that it was so long ago. i miss that life. i miss feeling loved. i miss feeling adored. even it
was all a lie, the circumstances leading up to that leap were
dizzying, exhilarating, but i do not know how I did it. i fear
sometimes that i'll never be able to do it again. with the exception
of the two suns that were born of that leap, i often wish i had never
taken it. or more specifically, i wish i had not jumped in the
direction i did. but would i change it if i could? there has been
little but enduring pain as a result. i know. i chose. it's my fault. my life had never offered me anything that could harden me for the
loss i never saw coming, a loss i still feel the ripples of every
single day. perhaps it is my punishment for my many sins. perhaps it's
some grand cosmic joke. perhaps it's a test. i find it cruelly
humorous that now, as i did before the leap chronicled again and again
in these pages here in ghostspace, i am asking, "when will this end?" ghost
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