i plead guilty, your honor.

i, and sister spikey mace would probably agree, might be the person who torments himself the most in this world. i have always held myself to a certain standard, an impossible standard i formed as a young boy from lessons taught me in sunday school. and in failing to live up to those standards, i've lashed out at God and heaped hatred upon myself. we're talking a lifetime of self loathing here, folks.

but, i've been considering this a lot this summer, now that my mind isn't being pulled a million different directions at once. and i think, maybe, just maybe, i should cut God, and myself, a break. when He stepped back from what He had created and saw that it was good, He meant it. 

i still don't believe i'm worthy, but i am what i am, and i'm so damned tired of feeling like i need to apologize for it.

 

ghost 

deep down trauma hound

i've taken a bit of time from the constant striving to create and string together coherent thoughts for you all. in the mean time, i've been reading through several notebooks i've filled up over the last three years. some of the things i wrote in them became posts here on ghostspace. the rest is a journey through a deep cavern i consider madness now that my head and heart are in a better place.

as i'm reading, the feeling that i have missed something settles over me. within these pages there is so much evidence of strange creations that burst forth from my despair. i suppose some of them still roam the corridors of my mind. perhaps most of them do, and i've only grown accustomed to their snarling presence. it also feels like time stood still, all that while. and now that i've woken from the pit, i find the world has mysteriously aged. i find i've grown older. i don't know why this surprises me. time passes slowly in the pit. 

good things did happen there, though, deep in that hole. perhaps i matured these last years. i looked deeper into myself than i ever cared to, discovered things i never wanted to know. tonight i am burning these notebooks in the grill on the back porch. 

as i do, i wonder now if i would have done anything about these last three years differently.

 

ghost

37

well, it's just a hop skip and a jump to 40 now.  

 

ghost