to dream again

i want to dream again. i want to be able to let myself dream again. i want to dream again like i did before i became such a broken boy. i want hope in my life instead of this perpetual feeling that everything is going to be torn away from me again.

something has changed in me since amy left. for a long time i thought it was just the process of healing, that at some point i'd feel more like the me i remember being. i believe now that i never will. i'd like to say that this trial has made me stronger, but i don't know if i'm stronger or just hardened. this might be the only place i actually let people in. and here only because it's faceless and i don't have to look you in the eye.

i really want to have gained wisdom from this and not just scars that will never fade.

the damnable frustration of it is, i want love in my life, and yet i'm hesitant to pursue it, and skittish when the possibility of it presents itself. now, before you say, "hey, ghost, you're surrounded by love," let me just say, yes, my children love me. my family love me. i know they do. but it's not the same as having someone look at you with lover's eyes. i see my children growing and i know my efforts as a father are worth it. my family loves me because they have to. they're stuck with me. the rest of the time, i have a hard time justifying my existence.

i'm tired of feeling worthless.

 

 

ghost