some sort of existence?

it's been a week since i've seen my kids. they've been on vacation with their mom. i went out west to visit my dad and keep my mind off the fact they've been so far away from me. i'm back now, and they'll be here tomorrow.

despite a great visit with my dad, I find myself in a state of...

something.

depression? maybe. i was just sobbing, triggered by something on tv that hit a little too close to my heart.

f*ck, i hate this time of year.

ghost

cold

i am devouring chaos, with a winter's chill chaser. autumn's lovechild
has spared me her fingerprints, and these knowing owl eyes have me
second guessing the wild rumble of my bones. and yet, Sleep sweeps my
eyelashes, drowning me in my own daydreams.

do you remember when you tried to invite yourself in, but bounced from
my ribcage instead?

ghost

aphorism

i've mentioned before that the holiday season sends me into a sort of
melancholy. and this year, that melancholy has been threatening to
become a full blown bout of depression. but i keep fighting it. i just
keep swinging.

i have noticed this year though, that while i was shopping for my kids
gifts that the melancholy was replaced by a sort of subtly giddy
excitement. i keep imagining their bright eyes and infectious smiles
and the shredded wrapping paper and the wild imaginings i'll get to
listen to all afternoon while they play with their toys, draw and
paint, and enjoy with the things i chose for them.

that giddiness settled on me last night while i wrapped their gifts
and i caught myself smiling. and i wondered that love can over come so
much pain. i wondered how it could just make the complexities of our
pain melt away.

i love my kids. it's that simple. i love them. there's no hardship i
won't endure for them, no lengths i won't go to see them happy and
healthy.

and then i began to think that love is so simple we will never understand it.

it is the simplest thing in the world, and yet it is infinitely
creative. if you try to think about it, all you get is a mass of
contradictions. i wrote a while back that love, i find, is nothing
more than a heart. i'm rethinking that. i had begun to believe it was
not the grand metaphysical scheme i have always believed that
wonderful four letter word was, that it was simply chemicals and
filled needs. but, it's got to be more than that. if it were just a
heart, despite the amazing things a heart is capable of, i don't think
it capable of overcoming the hurt this life can inflict. maybe it's
subjective. maybe love is like that for me. maybe it's something
different for you. different for everyone.

ghost

going home

i am contemplating stillness. a desolate and flat land breathing wind
blown silence. my young will be off on adventure, and i will return to
the land of my own youth where the scape and scope is empty, like the
canvas of a tormented painter who wants to impress his agony on
canvas, but can't force himself to make the first stroke.

the traces of my footsteps are long gone, probably blown away by the
ever blowing wind. the sky is brighter there, bleached like my life
before i moved to the great green. every time i return, it feels less
like what i remember from childhood. the affection i feel for the land
crumbles in my hands, like sand. there is little for me there now, and
i always feel like a man out of place.

winter is here, but the weather is warm. still, everything feels
frozen. despite the quiet, i feel very little peace.

i have to move now. i think i remember i was going somewhere. other
than the constant push from within, i'm in no hurry. i've seen all i
can from this point, though. it is time to move on.

it's going to be a hard winter. i will make it through. mine is a
nuclear winter. always has been.

ghost

jack

i'm no kerouac. i'm not an open road. my life's work isn't painted in
a gaudy yellow line, slapping the asphalt like a time devouring
river. i don't own a nikon or black loafers. i don't hop boxcars, or
sleep under stars so pristine they make God himself smile at his own
work.

i have no cool lurking in the corners, giving mystery or pain to
strange women. there's no red rush of neon or cheap wine pissing in
the wind, crawling home to rape the sunrise.

i don't have a mouth angels could fall into, my tongue and lips rarely
betray the tangled beast of my mind. my words do not tumble in a
torrent, like a cacophony of noise and empty thought.

i'm simply a man of stone, with hazel eyes and a seeking soul.

ghost

i will not inherit the earth, despite what you believe

i've got a filthy mouth, and a gallery of scars hanging in my throat.

thirty seven years silent

and i still can't tame this skull caged constellation between my
temples like i have this lightning strike tongue that hisses so many
"f*ck yous" against my teeth.

i try so hard to write myself hollow, to corrode away my sharp edge
bones, and you think i am nothing, an insignificant nebula orbiting
the wrong atmosphere. you mistake my quiet nature as meekness and say
whatever you choose with no fear of consequences.

but, my veins bleed black ichor, and words are not ever only words,
mother f*cker.

ghost

annual descent

i used to love the holidays. they used to be filled with a sense of
wonder and freedom and hope. there was always hope. in recent years,
though, i have found myself floating down into melancholy. that sense
of wonder and freedom are gone now. mostly, all the holidays bring me
are pain as i continue to struggle. hope is a myth.

despite all the illness and physical pain of recent weeks, though,
drops of gold, those last rays of an all too short fall barge past the
cold wind, no excuses, and gently caress the edges of my mouth into a
smile. they remind me of my favorite days. blue skies and sunshiny
cold. today reminds me of better times. almost nine years to the day i
leaped into a crazy beautiful life, a life ultimately cut short in
tragic fashion.

how time flies. i can't quite comprehend that it was so long ago.

i miss that life. i miss feeling loved. i miss feeling adored. even it
was all a lie, the circumstances leading up to that leap were
dizzying, exhilarating, but i do not know how I did it. i fear
sometimes that i'll never be able to do it again. with the exception
of the two suns that were born of that leap, i often wish i had never
taken it. or more specifically, i wish i had not jumped in the
direction i did. but would i change it if i could? there has been
little but enduring pain as a result. i know. i chose. it's my fault.

my life had never offered me anything that could harden me for the
loss i never saw coming, a loss i still feel the ripples of every
single day. perhaps it is my punishment for my many sins. perhaps it's
some grand cosmic joke. perhaps it's a test. i find it cruelly
humorous that now, as i did before the leap chronicled again and again
in these pages here in ghostspace, i am asking, "when will this end?"

ghost

picking up the guantlet

[[posterous-content:pid___0]]

my dear friend and occassional political sparring partner, Kristie, nominated me for a blog award, proving two people from different backgrounds and opposite views on pretty much everything can still be friends and share mutual respect.  i think the rest of the world could learn something from us, Kristie. 

thank you so much for the nomination! i am honored.

liebster is a german word meaning dearest, beloved, or favorite. The Liebster Award is given by bloggers to other bloggers and is intended to showcase exceptional blogs. 

here’s the cookies: 

1. add the award icon to your blog!

2. link to your nominator to say thank you.

3. post 11 facts about yourself.

4. answer the questions the tagger has set for you.

5. create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

6. choose up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, go to their blog, and tell them about the award.

eleven facts about me:

1. i’m not a redneck despite my ability and willingness to use firearms or my belief that we would all be safer from mass shootings and the average criminal enterprise if more law abiding citizens had their concealed handgun licenses. 

2. i could eat tacos for every meal, every day, forever. 

3. i never say anything out loud, but when i see someone with a starbucks cup in hand, or when i drive and see a long line of cars waiting in the starbucks drive through, the noise sheep make rolls through my head. i have no idea when or why this started.

4. my classroom has big partially completed murals on every wall and all the ceiling tiles are all painted with different pictures. i plan on expanding into the hallway this spring. everyone assumes i started this because, “it’s just his creativity manifesting itself,” but the truth is i was trying to pick a fight with a certain administrator we had at the time.   

5. come january, ghostspaceechoes will have been up and running for ten years. i have seen hundreds of blogs i’ve read regularly dry up and die in that time. i wonder what causes them to do so.  i’ve never once thought about closing up shop, despite not a soul having read the first years’ worth of material. 

6. every time i’m filling something out online and i have to hit a button that says submit, a little voice in my head screams, “NEVER!!!”

7. i’ve never been diagnosed mind you, but i share most of the characteristics of those who are diagnosed with synesthesia. 

8. i have a recurring dream of this annoying kid getting smashed by a foul ball. i’ve had it at least ten times. i always know within the dream it’s that dream again, and i sit back and watch. 

9. i’m building a chess set. the pieces are anywhere from eight to sixteen inches tall and made of cardboard and wood. each piece is different and have character names. i’m currently working on a pawn. sure, it takes a while, but i’m not getting paid a dime for it, so i can move at whatever pace i choose. 

10. i think animals are sometimes sent into our lives to test us in some way, to teach us something. i’ve always held a secret belief that they are some sort of angels. that’s why strays are so hard for me to turn away. my brother knows this, and that’s why i now have taco belle. 

11. whether typing or writing, i rarely use capitals. generally the only things i capitalize are names. i mean, what did those other words do to deserve that sort of emphasis? 

eleven questions asked of me: 

1. who was your best friend in kindergarten and how did you meet? billy. we were both the only four year olds in our class at this little christian school my folks sent me too. after first grade, i left the school. as a senior in high school, i had long long hair and a penchent for comic books. one day while perusing the aisles of a new comic book shop, i noticed this other long haired wierdo behind the counter who was vaguely familiar. after we confirmed who we were and realized we knew each other, billy said, "so this is what happens to kids who started off in christian school wearing ties and getting our knuckles slapped."  to which i replied, "yeah, we grow our hair out long and spend our free time in comic book shops."

2. where is your happy place, and why that place? i'm most at peace when my kids are with me. i love when my father and brother and i and all our kids and family can get together. i have a hard time imagining a better way to spend my days.

3. what song will make you stay in the parked car until it’s over? the grudge by tool. there's a point where maynard let's rip a 40 second scream that brings the hair on the back on my neck upright every single time i hear it. 

4. do you generally have more good dreams or more nightmares? nightmares.  but, i really do enjoy the rush they bring so i generally enjoy them. unless they're about my kids.  then i can't go back to sleep until i know they're safe. 

5. what is still sitting in your refrigerator that should’ve been tossed long ago? there's a half carton of eggnog that went bad a couple of weeks ago.

6. what movie have you seen the greatest number of times? ferris bueller's day off. i love it so much.  

7. when did you first start working with computers? how were you introduced? my first experience with computers was in the seventh grade. we were taught typing on these ancient apple comps that ran dos. black screens with green lettering. i was well into college before i was introduced to the internet.  

8. what was the lamest Christmas gift you ever received? bath towels. need i say more?

9. what gives you the purest joy you know? two things. watching my kids play when they don't know i'm watching.  seeing them grow and learn and develope and seeing their joy brings me joy.  also when my brother and i get together, sometimes we'll both get tickled about something and the fit of laughter overcomes both of us.  it's rare, but when it happens, there will be tears and belly pain.  

10. how much do you regret ever joining facebook? i have no facebook regret. it's allowed me to find and reconnect with people i've lost through the years.  it's allowed me to get some closure with some of those people, to answer questions that have plagued me for years, and let me make some interesting new friends.  it lets me more regularly communicate with members of my family that i don't see often, if ever, and share my life with them and vice versa. sometimes, when i'm lonely, it's all the social contact i can manage.

11. the house is on fire. your family and pets are safe on the street outside. what 3 things do you try to grab on the way out the door? my wallet, a large envelope with birth certificates, social security info and the like, and my phone. if i've got those three things, i can have a place to stay and a foot up on getting the rest of it replaced. 

eleven questions i am asking:

1. what is the name of the first person other than family members who you knew you loved? are they still in your life today?

2. if you're married or with someone, what's your favorite part about the relationship? if you're unattached, what's your favorite part about riding solo?

3. if you could live your life over again, what's the one thing you would want to change?

4. how do you make spaghetti?

5. would you rather spend your vacation in the mountains or on a beach?

6. is there any place in the world you absolutely have to see before you kick off this mortal coil?

7. what would you order as your last meal?

8. what five words would you use to describe yourself?

9. what was the last thing you remember that
really made you laugh?

10. which character was your favorite on friends?

11. if not now, when?

 

blogs i am nominating:

mez

phx

phil plasma

 

ghost

 

missing

so, as some of you know, about two weeks ago, i had occasion to pull
out three fourths of one of my molars with a pair of needle nose
pliers. really, given the circumstances, i had no choice, and to be
honest, i felt fine the next morning. the fourth of the tooth that
remained was sharp and jagged and i figured since i couldn't get at it
with my trusty needle nose, i should probably see a dentist. this was
right before Thanksgiving so no one could get me in until last
tuesday. that was fine. went in. doc removed the rest of the tooth
and then had to dig out the root prongs. let me just tell you, if
you've never had the honor of being the recipient of that little
procedure, i recommend you skip it.

still, i've had one or two teeth removed before and i'm usually fine,
the pain is minimal, and i go on about my merry way. this time
though, i developed what is known in the world of dentistry as dry
socket. anyone else ever suffered through this? now, i'm a tough guy,
not in the beat you up in the ally sort of way, but in the pain
doesn't hurt me kinda way. i've played entire soccer seasons with
broken bones, pushed carts up hills for years with torn meniscus,
dealt with constant headaches since i was a boy.

however, dry socket has been kicking my posterior up and down the ally
for the last week. i've missed multiple days of work and been a
general bore for my kids. nothing i was supposed to accomplish has
been accomplished. the pain has been such that i've forgotten key
things, like my keys. my mind has been preoccupied with the constant
throb of pain that radiates from my jaw up into my head and down into
my neck.

i'm back at work, but i still don't feel good. but i've got my heating
pad and an ice pack on standby. here's to hoping i can make it through
the day.

ghost