what we take with us

i was sitting here last night feeling lonely and wanting a snack. i
rummaged through the cabinets and fridge but didn't find anything i
thought would satisfy me. gave each a second look and found a pint of
my favorite ice cream.

it's funny the things you take from your parents. i'm not talking
about the big things like personality traits or mannerisms. my brother
and i share a lot of the same mannerisms with my father. they joke
about how much i act like my mother. i'm talking little things here.

my mom's favorite color was green. that's my brother's favorite color.
her favorite ice cream was pralines and cream. it's my favorite flavor
as well.

a chilly winter evening and i was eating half a pint of pralines and
cream. but i felt less lonely remembering time spent with my mom.

ghost

clock maker

sometimes i feel like a clock maker. i feel like i spend so much time taking myself apart, inspecting the gears, the ideas, the thoughts, the mechanism of me, working to correct any damage i find, then putting myself back together again.  it feels like a daily process. always considering, always rethinking, always reviewing. 

for so long, it seemed a healing mechanism. i felt like i was peeling back layers, uncovering the foundations, finding dry rot and neglect and working to repair it.  i felt like i was learning, growing, despite whatever pain the search provided. 

i do not feel i'm growing anymore, though. i don't feel like the constant analyzing isn't providing any insight. everything just seems so pointless right now.  

and i don't know what to make of that. 

 

ghost

home coming

have you ever been so far away from it for so long that you catch
yourself listening for a whisper in the wind that tells you you're
home?

i'm not talking about home in a physical sense, where i am, where i
kick my shoes off, sit back, and put my feet up. i'm talking about a
sense of self, of being comfortable in my own skin, of understanding
my place, the part i am to play. i tell myself i know my place, that
i understand my reason for being. that is to be the best father to my
children that i can possibly, and i throw everything i have at being
that man. still, i constantly struggle within myself, to be more, to
be a better man, to be thinner, to be kinder, to be more.

i battle constantly, not just myself, but outside forces trying to
push a life onto me that i do not want, situations i want no part of.
i battle to the point of begging for a little peace. other people seem
to have found peace in their lives. why not me? i do not know the
answer to that. i begin to suspect, though, that perhaps men like me
never find peace.

i have never found that magic spot. i've never found that place within
myself i could call home. everywhere is strange and hostile, and i am
always a stranger walking through the shadows of a mysterious and
foreign landscape.

i am still searching though. i still put my ear to the gentle wind and
listen for the whisper the wind carries. i think it would help if i
knew what i was looking for. it is beyond my ability to express just
what i feel i'm lacking. some things are like that, that you can't say
what you're minus simply because you don't have it. the vocabulary is
not there when the thing you're trying to describe is absent from your
every sense.

i wonder, too, if perhaps i am waiting for home to come to me while
home is waiting for me to come to it. perhaps it's only a mindset, a
way of thinking, of looking at life that keeps me from finding the
peace i desire. i wonder if maybe home is that special place in your
heart you reserve for the familiar things in your life, the things you
love and cherish above all others. if that is the case, then i have
more than i need in my children and their laughter. if that is the
case, then i am merely being greedy.

ghost

home sick

as in, i'm home being sick.

i dislike being sick. i dislike it the same way i dislike snow and
ice. it disrupts my routines, my plans, my work. it throws a wrench
in the gears of my machine.

anyway, hopefully i'll be back tomorrow with something good for you to
consider. right now, i'm going to get cozy under a blanket and try to
sleep my way through the rest of this nonsense.

ghost

shenry's Christmas swap numero 8

so it's that time of year again where our merry little band comes
together from across the great spaces between us and exchange mixed
cds. this year's theme was barrel of monkeys provided by our fearless
leader. the idea is that you pick a song, and then the next song in
your mix has to start with the last letter of the previous song title.
bonus points if you can create a circular chain where the last letter
of the last song title in your mix is the first letter in your first
song title.

so, without further ado, i'll get into why i picked each song, other
than the aforementioned letter thing.

1. running from the cops by phantogram -there's a point where all the
other music kinda fades and a sharp staccato beat takes over just for
a handful of beats. it gets my blood up.

2. somewhere a clock is ticking by snow patrol -last spring, hip
hopkins and i were talking about possible themes for this years swap
and i mentally started putting a list of songs together for it. this
song was on that list, and i'm happy to say it made the final cut.
something about the beginning of this song, a small amount of harmony
perhaps, really says, "pay attention to me."

3. gives you hell by all american rejects -this song was also on my
original spring list. i've been thinking a lot about all the things i
should have said to certain people in my life but never did because
i'm just such a damn nice guy.

4. la water by helmet -helmet have long been one of my favorite bands.
they've matured from their heavy grinding beginnings, but i can steel
taste some of that angst in their newer work.

5. rickets by deftones -it's the deftones. i don't really know what
this song is about. i don't think i've ever listened to the lyrics.
but, the music touches something way back in my head, something primal
and angry.

6. somewhat damaged by nine inch nails -another from the spring list.
trent rezner always says exactly what's on my mind. it's like he's in
my head, man.

7. down with me by filter -anytime i think of nin i think of filter.
the lead singer used to be in nine inch nails, but he and trent had a
falling out and filter, another of my favorite bands, was born.

8. explosive corrosive joseph by john schroeder -this summer i watched
ocean's 11, 12, and 13 in order on usa one day and realized what i
loved most about those movies really is their soundtracks.

9. hurt by johnny cash -it's johnny cash. there's no need for an explanation.

10. hurt by nine inch nails -i'm always a little put out by my
students who think johnny wrote this song. while i love the cash
version, i prefer the original by a d*mn site.

11. two hookers and an eightball by mindless self-indulgence -i just
really love the maniacal nature of msi. they are to music what the
joker is to gotham city. agents of chaos.

12. low by cracker -i think this might be the only song i ever heard
by cracker, but it's one of those that gets stuck in my head, and i
catch myself humming it in quiet moments.

13. wretches and kings by linkin park -i really like that each linkin
park album sounds different from the last, but i also appreciate that
they give the occasional nod back to their roots.

14. star of bethlehem by angels and airwaves -Jesus is the reason for
the season after all.

15. monkey by low -heard this song on an episode of some show i was
watching a few weeks ago and shazzammed it. i haven't been able to
stop listening to the album since.

16. your winter by sister hazel -i can't put a finger on why i like
this song, but it's been a staple on my ipod since i bought the thing
back in 2003.

17. revenge of the spectral tiger by brandon boyd -i didn't realize
the lead singer of incubus had put out a solo effort until this summer
when i ran across it in a fortunate happenstance. i was pleased to
find his magic is still in full e.f.f.e.c.t.

anyway, i put your copies in the mail today, so you should receive
them in the next few days. merry Christmas, my friends.

ghost

a conversation with Pops and The Golden Boy leads to introspection.

what would you give up to follow a dream? how much could you let go?
would you go as far as to give up everything for a hopeless cause?
very few people, especially these days, would, i think. and those that
have, we call them saint or hero.

what is the mathematics of sacrifice? i mean, how do we decide what is
worth it to give up by what you expect in return? how would you
calculate that threshold? sometimes they are very rough numbers,
figured in a rush lest the opportunity evaporate while we deliberate.
much of our experience is like that. hurried decisions that lead to
life changing events. we've all built on such choices in our past.

i think no one knows himself well enough to really be sure what we'd
give up for a dream. we don't know what we'll decide in the moment of
truth until we actually get to that moment, when fate breathes down
our neck at a crossroad that will alter us inexorably. i don't even
think we can prepare for such a moment either. i think the best we can
do is hope and pray. i hope Fate will be kind, but i have no control
of that. all i can do, in the mathematics of sacrifice, is listen to
the numbers played by my heart.

and i think sometimes, just sometimes, i will play the hands i've been
dealt to their full potential and make good on this life.

ghost

i wonder if the fallen ever regret their decisions

my third job

had a student ask me today, "Tip, are you a trained assassin?"

"why do you ask?" i asked.

"you're a badass painter, you write books. i figure you must be a
highly trained killer too," he said.

"oh, well, no," i said. "i'm self taught."

ghost